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Anti-Ode To The Mercury Retrograde

Mercury retrograde, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways:

I loathe thee in the way that thou dost intensify the gravitational pull on the earth’s fluids,

As does the moon right before it is full and right before it is new.

I loathe thee in the way that this includes the fluids in the human brain, thus upsetting the brain chemistry.

I loathe thee in that this mental upset maketh the child to triple his mischievous ways, and doth four-fold increase his emotional sensitivity.

Yea, thou causeth the child to have meltdowns like a four-year-old, though he be of ten years of age,

To turn him into a creature that is part hyena, part monkey, and part two-year-old human.

I loathe thee, mercury retrograde, in the way that thou causeth the mother to become depressed.

Yea, in that depression she is unable to cope with the increase in negative emotions and misbehavior from her son,

Leading her to believe that life is naught but a never-ending cycle of the misery of living with an out-of-control child,

Causing her to harbor evil feelings of her husband, for yea, it were his seed that produced yon crazy offspring.

In her own madness of despair, the mother doth herself regress to childishness, stomping her feet and screaming,

Yea, therefore hurting her back and losing her voice to produce any videos for YouTube or to sing out her praise to the wonderful Creator who doth causeth both child and mother to be prone to be negatively affected by thou, evil mercury retrograde..

And more – as the mother delivers angry words, the child speaketh with ever-growing disrespect,

Which no amount of threats or punishment can tempt him to withold.

I loathe thee, mercury retrograde, for the downward spiral of behavior and emotions

That maketh the mother want to leave her family for an island in the South Seas, where she might weep and eat bananas heretofore into eternity, to her sorrowing heart’s delight.

I loathe thee in the way that thou must persist for, not the one day or the two days of the full or new moon phases,

But yea, for a whole twenty-one days.

And more – for twenty-one days not just one, not two, but three or four times per year, which doth cause the mother and father premature aging, and to yearn heavily to be taken into Heaven.

How do I loathe thee, mercury retrograde? Let me count the ways…

 

PS – Yes, we are all still alive and accounted for. We are surviving yet another Mercury Retrograde.

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