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The Ten Commandments Of Weird Living

A special note before you read

I believe that following certain principles are essential to being truly healthy, happy, and fulfilled. But some people go extremes. Please don’t get offended by the following article; I am making fun of my extreme self, not you.

Although, if the shoe fits…

Okay. On with the show here.

Tired of the status quo? Sick of mainstream living? Then it’s time to get weird!

But I have to warn you: once you step off the beaten path and dive into a weird lifestyle, your friends and family might try to hold an intervention on your behalf. Send you to a ten-step support group. Try to convince you that you’ve joined a cult that will cause you to lose your soul.

They won’t understand that you have finally, for the first time in your life, discovered your soul. Your True Self. They won’t understand, because they don’t understand freedom. They understand debt, bondage to employers, chronic sickness and early death.

They understand how to follow rules and worship tradition.

But you, my wannabe fellow weirdo, must stand strong and be of good courage. You must not let your desire to become weird waver in the storm of protests that are certain to come your way, once you make your decision known.

Adhering to the following Ten Commandments of Weird Living will serve as both a rock and a refuge during any storm the mainstream might throw your way. Read them, and rejoice, my friend!

Commandment #1: Look at what “the average person” is doing, and do the opposite.

The average person uses paper toilet paper. You use cloth wipes instead. The average person brushes their teeth once a day. You brush your teeth once a week. (And prepare for your romantic partner to ask you to start using breath mints.)

The average person doesn’t drink anywhere close to the recommended sixty-four ounces of water a day. You drink two gallons per day. The average person doesn’t like Brussel sprouts. You make sure they become your favorite vegetable.

And so on. A weird person should aspire to be far above average!

Commandment #2: Embrace confusion.

Once you embark on the zany lifestyle, you will encounter contradiction after contradiction.

  • The healthiest diet is 100% plant-based…or lacking all grains and beans and heavy on the meat.
  • The best path to financial freedom is to pay off all your debt and work three jobs…or to build a multi-level marketing business.
  • Fulfillment comes with the ability to buy anything you want…or getting rid of everything you own except for what fits in a child-sized backpack.
  • Digital technology is the way to happiness…or electricity is the devil’s invention.

Yes, once you decide to get out of the mainstream flow, you will be inundated with dozens of alternatives for every choice you have to make. They will often be the polar opposite of each other, even as both options make logical sense.

Embrace confusion. Fall in love with it. Because it will become your steadfast companion.

Commandment #3: Become a fanatic.

Despite your initial confusion, you will eventually decide which lifestyle choices are best. But don’t stop at thinking that they are best for you. Oh, no. You must develop a religious fervor about your choices, to the extent that you become the Billy Graham of Weird.

If you decide to become a vegan, rail on everyone you meet about how evil they are for eating meat. If you get involved with network marketing, remember that everyone is a prospect – every single time you see that individual. If you choose essential oils over herbal tinctures, be sure to pontificate about the oils’ superiority at every party you attend.

Weird people get passionate about their choices. This means you.

Commandment #4: Be honest to a fault.

Weird people – wanting to be above average, don’t you know – never lie. They never take home pens from work that technically belong to their employer. If they are a dinner guest and the host asks how they liked their meal and they hated it, they say so without apology. Weird guys, if a woman asks you how they look in a certain dress or with a certain hairstyle, don’t hedge – say exactly what you think!

Only don’t blame me when you get conked out by a hairbrush. You want to be weird, you must follow the commandments.

Commandment #5: Break all the rules.

I’d better point out first that rules are different from commandments. A commandment comes down from an Ultimate Authority, and must be obeyed at all costs lest you find yourself running into a Great Calamity. Say you break the third commandment and fail to become a fanatic about one of your beliefs.

Let’s say you believe that hair should never be washed with any kind of soap or shampoo, but with water only, and you never try to talk anyone else into your belief. You keep quiet about it. You don’t even respond when somebody comments that your hair looks like the local car mechanic dumped a quart of oil over it.

As a result of your non-fanaticism, you will eventually cave into mainstream pressure. You will begin to doubt your belief. One day, while walking down the aisle of a grocery or drug store where the shampoo is displayed, an unexplained longing to grab a bottle and run to the nearest shower will cascade over you and shake you to your core. And before you know it, you will find yourself at home, in the shower, scrubbing your hair with shampoo.

You broke a commandment, and a Great Calamity followed, the Calamity of doing what “everybody else” does.

So you don’t want to break any of these commandments of Weird Living. But you do want to break all the other rules. Go ahead and drive as fast as you want.

Wait. But then you may be faced with breaking the rule of paying a speeding ticket, and when you don’t you’d go to jail, and that wouldn’t be good.

Okay. Better obey the rules that are laws that will land you in jail or prison if you break them.

Let’s see, another rule…?

How about this one? Everybody else turns off the faucet when they’re done using water. So break that rule. Leave the water running all day.

Hold on. But that’s ultimately an inconsiderate thing to do, because you waste water that other people need. And wasting resources isn’t weird, conserving them is. So forget that.

Um…er…thinking…

*Sigh.* You know what? Forget the commandments. Live in whatever way makes you happy. Just use common sense and respect for other people’s happiness and freedom. And make sustainable choices when possible and convenient.

Maybe the weirdest way to live would be to accept everyone else as they are right now, and support them on their journey. Because from what I’ve seen, there is way too much judgmentalism going around.

Love, don’t judge. Gee, that almost sounds like something God might say, doesn’t it?

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